love

little

today im little
brittle bones under the sky
silent and lost on the inside

i feel faint
staring at the wet chops
in the fluorescent meat shop

the colours of the fruit
psychotic flowers
in the green grocers

i only want to sit down
lunch by the water
floating in the sun

just to hold her hand
little fingers, little sounds
in the park, children all around

little guns
for little killers
relentless and unashamed

laughing in the daylight
look mummy, look daddy
im mad, im running

water is my enemy
voices are my afterlife
love is my innocence

so little
under an insane sky, just
to hold her hand for goodbye

Cain's Machine

My dream resolved to a face, blonde and pale -
eerie blue eyes lost in the distance,
Cain's horizon without a sky -

hypnotized by unfamiliar constellations
points of light spattered as if sneezed
into the raw, frozen darkness -

he was trying to see to the edge of time
in a glass observatory on a remote moon,
steam pluming from alien machines -

trapped in his own dream of immortality,
to be unbreakable and unchanging -
the dream had become an agony of millennia

in the grip of his own revolving destiny
bound upon a wheel of fire
a point of life in the vacuum, heart-frozen -

eventually, everything of him was broken
like the fable of the reed and the oak
and the storm from the Chinese mountain.

He couldn't live and couldn't die,
his mind locked in amnesiac torment
haunted by voices from past and future lives

whispering their regrets, their lessons
the time he lost and the love
he threw away, the strength he didn't need -

he had enough will left to plead with her,
the only one who loved him,
to feed the unkillable flesh of his body

into machines built to crush him,
grind him to meal to be scattered
throughout his empty universe.

I saw him lying there, mind gone,
as she made the preparations, head held high,
though washed and wrecked by pain.

She could neither forgive nor refuse him
his escape from the machine of light -
the white centrifuges, the galactic octopi

boiling around their black hole cores -
their dervish dance of confusion -
the terrible rebirth of their collision -

he thought he wanted never to be hurt,
to live without the touch of death
and her promise of sleep after too long a day.

She spoke to me, sadly, dark eyes
full of a different kind of strength:
iron in her heart, for surviving -

she explained everything.
Cain was no longer there.
I was only watching the tragedy of her,

a lover, a mother, watching a man
go to his death in a war of his own making -
"the endless conflict of dead matter," he'd said -

and she only knew she loved him;
that he would return to break her heart again
until the stars died into the everlasting darkness.

I never left her behind

I never left her behind
her heavy beauty and the calm
of her clearwater eyes
the certainty of her voice
as she spoke to me about losing

already lost in the height
and the dizzy softness of this life
she played guitar and sang brightly
and never agreed not to love me

Sundari

I remembered, touching you,
how soft and loose your skin
how you smell sweet
the place on your neck for a kiss
your strength that costs so much
and your secret weakness

there's a house that's ours
it looks like every house of light and floorboards
we are the brightness there
and no story told of the house is true
no story told of me-and-you

lover, everything happens anyway
something in the silence
sleeps us through the night
and remembers to renew us in the morning.

Mistakes We Have To Make

You,
standing for a photograph
on the Pont des Arts

with the sun in your eyes,
laughing
because you loved me.

A room
in a small hotel,
just for one wild day,

to make love in the dark,
to music
from across the courtyard.

Hugging goodbye
in the early morning –
the strangeness

of our time together
before
and after that moment

making us weightless,
ecstatic.
Your scent on my skin for days.

You,
not a secret but a mystery,
unanswerable, horizonless.

Spirals

every morning we turn to see each other
in pale light through frosty windows,
or warm sun and leaf-shadows

I realize again that I always want to wake up
to the soft breath from your open mouth
and the gentle smell of your hair

to make my journeys in the white daytime
never knowing where I am being led
or if this time the way back will be lost

and in the evening to hold you in the dark
as we surrender to everything again
and say goodbye as if this time is the last

Watercolour Homework

all my reasons are at rest in her arms
and though the daylight shines through the curtains
we close our eyes and be who we are

she is warmer and closer than the sun
her face is like the soft shadows of leaves
she cries for me, then smiles and is calm

at night we are a dark sweet wind
our colours drowned in our bodies' blindness
being without, seeing within

she walks with me in the long garden
she kneels to kiss my shadow's feet
of all my loved-ones, she is my guardian

One-day

She mornings me out of my bedroom window
to feel to the stars in silver pieces, sleepy
two years waiting for her to brighten to me
fell asleep on my bed like children

just that feeling, shivered into regions of space
ringed with nebulas of dreamed faces
waking under a picnic blanket
time for apple juice and toast, kisses

The beloved of my heart is my true heart itself.
She wakes all my mornings, She dances crazy
while I giggle because I can't understand Her -
I love not understanding Her –

dawn, and she rolls to me, flows to me,
she gives the gift of her eyes to me, she lays herself
at my feet. She is the gift of Her, she needs me
always to face my true beloved, my true Beloved.

I am a call

against a cold window
palms spread
this I surrender
 
morning star
over fiery horizon
loving wind
 
songs under the atmosphere
at a great distance
melody
 
I couldn't sleep
whole night writhing
between two lightnings
 
breathing fast
dawn in stages
like dying
 
open eyes
kitchen window
house damp with silence
 
I miss your heartbeat
June a.m.
outside they're kissing:
 
boyfriend girlfriend
supercharged
by summer sunlight
 

Insect Orange

When the lowest clouds turned insect orange
I looked through you and saw stars, atoms, petals
realized I was flaking away like white iron
because you were breathing on me

you foamed in patterns of arms and legs
circled and eddied to iris and pupil
became a river to inhale me
became a screen to show me visions

the moon shivered like a penny
through cloud-branches, dead silence
summer cold, sun-music
singing like a child with my fingers in you

everything peeled off like fruit-skins
even time itself, we see each other
“luminous undying and translucent”
we are a fire within a fire

we are doors opening to one room
what we love is the part that is the same
recognizes itself and kisses and cries and comes
reaching out to itself like a baby

I never knew who you were, tiptoed
around you like an idiot not to wake you
let there be no morning, no endings
one of us dreams the other, let it not be me