transience

A Stupid Prayer

Forgive me my falseness
I don't know how to be honest
I've always been so selfish
and I've always wanted to be so special

if anything or anyone hears me
when I whisper to myself at night
in the dark, under the covers,
I hope you understand I had no chance

I couldn't hear you, I couldn't see you
and all my words just fell into silence
for every beautiful feeling
it seemed I had to hurt someone

I didn't know why or how to love
or why I was born wanting to
and if you can hear me, please
tell me nothing is lost

because even though this was a spoiled life
I don't want it to be swallowed
into the darkness before and after time -
please tell me you know me,

you forgive me, you lay your hands on me,
you gather my little life into eternity,
you see through my eyes, you listen
with my ears, you kiss with my lips -

tell me these words aren't useless
as we wander through our weird cities
and sleep all tangled together
and breathe sweet smoky air

I woke up as a flame in a fading light
and maybe I know who I am
maybe it's a vast and funny harmony
but I'm so tired, please will you carry me

Anima Redux

i found her underwater and woke her
and black eyes opened and she smiled

we entered the nexus of all our lifetimes
and walked away from that shore together

the shore of unreal waters pouring
over the edge of our minds

years together in dark rooms
just to find the strength to walk away

years of desperate embrace and tears
and fighting off a surprising madness

the changing world and the mind immortal
the dying world and the mind immortal

in the end she is just a girl
who writes beautifully about disorder

who thinks beautifully about imperfection
who never wanted to be an archetype

and I'm just a boy who knows nothing
driven by a billion-year-old memory

if we flare up and burn out in this darkness
if we become lost among star cinders

if we forget who we once were
if I lose my awareness in the sparkles

let us not be remembered or misunderstood
let all of this be lost in time

let nobody think they knew me
let nobody try to preserve anything

let our story never be told -
the girl and the boy walking from the shore

and into dreams and into labyrinths
and into love and into loss

I found her underwater because I was swimming
I was looking for a black-eyed goddess

and I only understand now, and only barely,
what really drives me through this life

and I still don't know, maybe never will,
what else there is to do.

Reasons Not To Go Home

The city is drunk
and then there's me -
sober, surreal, softly
walking beside the viscid river,
witnessing:
her spangles, white and orange;
her patience, the way she gathers
everything in strange arms
as gifts for the ocean.

I have gifts, in a plastic bag:
a chocolate egg left from Easter.
A copy of Time Magazine.
Stray words in my mind,
which I will write down
because that is how I can stay alive.

My mother gave me the egg.
She wastes nothing, except time.
She never learned how to live
with time, and its gathering
of all the pretty things
to the mercy of their endings.

Alone in my bedroom, I can hear
traffic, voices from the street,
wind sometimes, and if it rains
I will leave my window open
and imagine that I am on a journey
across many miles of water.

I truly have no reason to be here
except that I'm waiting
to feel my lover's hands on my face -
I'm waiting to lie with her
and whisper that I remember her
from a lighter, more gentle place.

One day all the stories of me
will end, like the lights on the river -
maybe borne like funeral candles into the sea,
or maybe disappeared into daylight,
but either way, tenderly, without harm,
no one there to see or be afraid.

For now, I can only be a prayer
in the living darkness,
heard by silent companions,
stilled into the air's memory
even as I am carried without end
from moment to moment. And she
is the prayer that I am, the plea
that I make, the desperate language
that no one ever taught me -
no one ever needed to.